I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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