Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
