i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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