You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
