I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
