someone threw a dead crab at me
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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