Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
