Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
