his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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