today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
