Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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