when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
