I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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