we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
