"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
