take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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