My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
