"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
