what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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