I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
