I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
