i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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