sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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