I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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