I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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