I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
are you so shy because you have an std?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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