Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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