Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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