You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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