I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
