last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
