when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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