So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
