Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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