Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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