don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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