We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
