there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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