i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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