saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
