I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
