in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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