The maid of honor just puked.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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