I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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