Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
