I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
