clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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