Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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