I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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