well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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