Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
