just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
