remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
