I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
