I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
