Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
