Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
